War with the Insects

First read the rave reviews
absurd running diatribe……that bad writing you like to foist on all
of us, in the confused belief that we are hanging on every ill-conceived word? A romance novellas that would make Fabio puke.I suggest remedial creative writing, perhaps night school (MedievlMn)

SirOracle’s novellas make me weary and oppressed….(gloriae)
Editor’s Note – This is taken verbatim as posted to the channel, entirely extempore.

Since writing it I have had misgivings about the scene with the caterpillars on the gatepost I thought it was taken from an earlier story of my own, but now I’m not entirely sure. It might be Philip K Dick. I’m confident that the remainder is my own work

It was created spontaneously at the time of writing.

Session Start: Sun May 25 20:00:22 2003

Session Ident: #Theology

* Now talking in #Theology

* Topic is ‘Polite Debate - No profanity.’

Dear Diary,

apart from one surprising event today was otherwise devoid of events

As I was taking my morning the constitutional walk around the estate, I noted that as usual there were two caterpillars sitting on the gatepost. One of them glanced in my direction, then turned to the other and said, “Check”.

of course I have been aware that they were talking about me for a number of weeks, but this was the first time they have ever spoken openly in my presence.

I noted that the structure the beetles have been creating is taking shape, and although I cannot say for certain what it is at this stage, I believe that it is some kind of siege engine.

the windows on the south side of the house are vulnerable to attack. I may move into one of the turrets on the North side if the situation gets more threatening. The snails on the garden path had arranged themselves to spell of very rude word: I pretended not to notice but I think they were not fooled because I could hear them sniggering after I had passed.

The carp were playing out some complex mathematical game, arranging the weeds on the pond in intricate shapes: it is possible that it is not a game, but some kind of biological computer that they are building.

They are, of course, plotting my downfall. it is hard to tell how match their plans have advanced and how many days I have left. There’s no doubt that the birds are in on too; at present they are content to observe me, sending occasional scouts to reconnoitre my position.

when I came to the shrubbery I obviously disturbed some kind of a conference or council of war. There was a great fluttering and rustling as the members dispersed, but I was in no doubt that the pattern of sticks was a plan of the house and the outbuildings. I do not yet know from which vantage point will they will launch the attack.

however their plans our becoming clearer to me every day, and as long as I stay vigilant they will not succeed in taking me by surprise. My thoughts are occupied with planning the countermeasures and defences and must prepare if I am to withstand the invasion.

My best defence is to lay down some sort of deterrent, possibly in chemical form such as insecticides or pesticides, but I am holding no stocks of these weapons and I am convinced that it would be unwise to leave the house at this time.

the main purpose that is served by my morning forays into their territory is to establish in their minds that I am undaunted by their hostile activities. On my return a scouting party of spiders had gained entrance and taken up stations in the bathroom. I could hear them talking on their two-way radios although it was hard to make out exactly what they were saying. The tone of their conversation was plain enough.

as a precaution I loaded the shotgun and stood it in the corner behind my desk, where I could wheel around and reach it in an emergency. There were five shells remaining in the Smith and Wesson Army pistol I kept in my desk drawer: I broke it open and oiled the mechanism, spinning the magazine and noting that the vacant chamber almost always rose to the firing position.

The faint background sounds that I was used to hearing seemed to have increased in volume: there were more scurrying behind the wainscot. I could not tell whether they were merely engaged in manoeuvres or whether they were actually taking up positions for an assault.

it was hard to foresee what forces they would be able to muster, or how they could deploy the forces in sufficient numbers to overwhelm a being of my size and weight. my chief concern was whether the animals were on their side, which was a distinct possibility although I could not see how they could have recruited my own household pets.

Both Major and Tibbles had been giving me strange looks in recent weeks, and although I had detected pity in Major’s eyes, I could not be certain that he would side with me if members of his close family and other species were in opposition. Tibbles showed her usual affection but I had never been fooled by that in the past: to her I was nothing more than a source of fish.

My study window opened out onto a roof with a shallow slope and if my position became untenable there was the possibility of making my escape via this alternative route although this would be hazardous because I was not sure that my feet would grip on the slates. Also the drop to the driveway would be made less hazardous if I could lower myself over the guttering and hang there at arm’s length and before letting go. It was not possible to tell whether the guttering would support my weight. Thinking that it might yet be possible placing escape ladder against the wall, I went to the study door and opened it.

The commotion that was caused by this and the horrifying sight that met my eyes readily dissuaded me from this plan. There was no possibility of making my way outside, through the throng of insect life that was now in decisive possession of the hall and stairs. I was pleased to see that they fell back at the sight of me: clearly they knew that they were no match for me individually and without a plan of action.

The commotion that was caused by this and the horrifying sight that met my eyes readily dissuaded me from this plan. There was no possibility of making my way outside, through the throng of insect life that was now in decisive possession of the hall and stairs. I was pleased to see that they fell back at the sight of me: clearly they knew that they were no match for me individually and without a plan of action.

I locked the study door and rummaged through my desk drawer were to find a roll of sticky tape with which to seal all the apertures I could. It would not hold them back got long but it would give me more time to think. All the barriers were made of wood, and I knew that the rising tide of noise that I was hearing was the sound of a myriads insects chewing.

I started to examine the limits of the space that enclosed me. The ceiling and the walls were of panelled oak; I rolled the carpet back to reveal deal floorboards: impenetrable to a human being without tools, but no greater deterrent to an unlimited number of insects with an unlimited amount of time.

I considered my situation for some hours, but my cerebrations always led me to the same conclusion: I was trapped. The plan of escaping through the window was foiled by a shower of rain; which made it impossible 4 m keep my footing on the slates, and any desperate attempt to extricate myself from the situation by this route would have resulted in a heavy fall perhaps 15 feet down to the asphalt driveway. If that did not kill me, it would certainly disable me and then I would have to face a lingering and unpleasant death as the insects ate me alive.

I looked around at my meagre weapons, which would have been effective against much larger adversaries, but which were near to useless against a horde of smaller creatures. Again I wondered, as I had wondered so many times before, what I had done to them, that had displeased them so and whether there was any chance of negotiating my way out of the predicament.

There was so little at my disposal with which I might create any semblance of an effective defence. On my desk was an inkwell and blotting pad, my pipe and pipe tobacco, some pipe cleaners, pencils amd writing paperthat I was using to record my memoirs.

I thought of all the stories I had read of people imprisoned in similar circumstances, and how they effected their escape. A wild plan began to take shape in my mind. I took the pipe cleaners and carefully dipping them in the inkwell, coated all the exposed parts of my flesh with blue-black ink. I had been listening to the beetles carefully and already I had picked up some of their language, which they made audible by striking or rubbing the chitinous parts of their bodies. This I was able to replicate by cracking my finger joints and snapping my fingernails against my teeth,

It was easier for me to converse with the beetles than it was with any of the other Insectivore, because although I had a working knowledge of Slug and Caterpillar, I found it impossible to convey my thoughts adequately in the languages of these creatures.

The best chance I had of reaching a settlement was to play down the differences between my corporal being and the very dissimilar physicality of the creatures that opposed me. By such means I hoped to show them that I was a creature not unlike them in many aspects, and to tell them that I meant no harm to them in the future, even though I might have done harm to them in the past. I would promise them a new beginning, a new relationship, telling them that I spoke not just for myself but for the whole of humankind. I promised to crusade on their behalf, taking their message out into the world thereby saving others of their species from the ignominies and griefs that I had inflicted upon them.

I made my preparations and carefully rehearsed my speech, which involve inventing a written form of the language of the beetles, based on hieroglyphics depicting the actions I would have to take to replicate the right sounds and right order, not trusting myself to commit this speech to memory.

All that I had was a small hand mirror, which I used to prepare myself to receive guests, when I would run a comb through my hair and apply wax to my moustache. In my desk was a small bottle of Gum Arabic, which I used to glue pipe cleaners to my temples replicating in as far as I could, the antennae of my future allies. Similarly, I softened the outlines of my face by glueing pieces of ink-soaked blotting paper to my cheeks and ears.

it had always seemed to me that the most terrifying aspect of the human body, from the point of view of an insect, must be the human eye, an organ which had no counterpart in their kingdom. All that I could come up with was the notion of keeping my eyes closed during my inaugural address to the insects. It crossed my mind that if I were successful then I would hold a special place in the insect kingdom, being the only human being who could interpret and speak their language, and convey their wishes and desires to others. The more I considered this plan, the more reasonable it seemed to be and the more confident I became that it would meet with success.

Regarding myself in the mirror, I saw that I had managed to eliminate almost all evidence of my humanity, and for all the world I looked like a large and, I hoped, are quite benign insect. The pipe-cleaners, ink and blotting paper covered my face and hands completely, and I had twisted my hair into spikes, made rigid with a Gum Arabic.

Therefore I was fully prepared and confident and well-rehearsed in the speech I was about to give. And when the door creaked open, I kept my eyes downcast and nearly closed so that I could read the hieroglyphics that the speech was written in, but by this time I was nearly word perfect, or perhaps it would be more fiting to say, click perfect. When I had delivered it I felt as sense of triumph because I knew that whatever and befell me next, I had done the best that I could in difficult circumstances.

nothing happened for a long while. There was no attack. The noises had stopped and I sat in silence with closed eyes, hoping that my appeal had been successful, waiting for their response.

after some considerable time a sound came. At first I did not recognise it. It matched nothing in my vocabulary of insect noises. Nevertheless it was a familiar sound, and not one that I associated with any dangers.

I ventured to open my eyes.

Some little way into the room I saw a large creature and behind it was an even larger creature, and behind that two more creatures that are even larger still.

I recognised these creatures and was able to identify at least two of them.

The smallest one was my wife. The larger one was our family doctor. The other two were gentlemen in uniform that I had not met before.

They were looking at me as though I were some kind of insect.

THE END

that’s all folks. I had no more idea how that would turn out than you had.

Session Close: Mon May 26 01:45:13 2003