Morte d'Artur - for Miriel

This was written on-line. I admit that Mallory might have done something similar, but it wasn't as good

so all day long the noise of battle rolled
among the mountains and the western sea
until the bell for evening supper tolled
and each side had thrashed the other utterly
and looking round, SirOracle the bold
said - sire, there's no-one left but you and me
and i'm willing to lay a million to a fiver
that except from us there isn't one survivor

quite likely - answered arthur - and i'm sure
that i have been so wounded by these swine
tomorrow will discover there's one fewer
so i prithee take me to yon lonely shrine
where i may rest and die - there is no cure
for men with sixty-seven wounds like mine
So SirOracle did strenuously grapple
and dragged the old fart to a nearby chapel
SirOracle .
there set him down and by him burned the flame
his sword Excalibur with its massive hilt
all knobbly with gems that never came
from mortal mines, and it blade inlaid with guilt
i meant gilt of course but who the fuck's to blame
still dabbled with the blood the king had spilt
which touching, arthur said, SirOracle you hear
go chuck this fucking sword into the mere
SirOracle .
SirOracle sprang back like one distraught
like a snail that's been tapped upon the shell
was this the useless twat for whom he'd fought
a man who'd chuck his fortune down a well?
surely he must have dreamed it, he thought
had the king really spoken - was it possible
to give the words he thought he'd heard much credit?
And yet the king undoubtedly had said it
SirOracle .
bearing the brand across the rocks he went
and now and then a hot impatient word
he spoke, because of his inner argument
"Oh, shit" he said "this is one nifty sword
just the right kind of accoutrement
i've always fancied but could not afford
this lovely weapon, this incomparable Excalibur
would really suit an old knight of my calibre
SirOracle .
so, having safely stashed away the sword
and marked the place he hid it with some stones
SirOracle came back to his leige lord
and with a studied nonchalance in his tones
said - right i threw it overboard
but Arthur only greeted him with groans
SirOracle, he said, i might be dying
but i've always been able to tell when you are lying
SirOracle .
once more i must insist you do the job
go get my sword and throw it in the mere
don't hang about. Just grab the thing and lob
for all you're worth, or when you get back here
i must put a rhyming dictionary on my christmas list
the chances are you'll find that i'm a stiff
whereat the humilated SirOracle
Said - yes sire - and broke into an ugly sob
that would make you puke - and went to do the job.
SirOracle .
but as he walked his inner voice did say
i know Christ said stuff about rendering to Caesar
but he said nothing about throwing stuff away
when you're asked to do so by some delirious old geezer
you don't get swords like this one every day
jools are workmanship as fine as these are
should surely end up in some museum
where kids one day can come and see 'em.
SirOracle .
It is nothing that i'm proud of to fool my king
I look at it as humouring his caprice
but if i tell him that i slung the thing
and he thinks that it's true, he dies in peace
then all the poets who write about this will sing
unless they are a bunch of stupid geese
my praises as the knight who lied to save
this precious weapon from a watery grave
SirOracle .
i'm particularly pleased with that last verse
but if i don't have a pee i'll maybe burst
SirOracle .
where was I? oh yes. he reached the shore
and hung about until a while had passed
of course he didn't get the sword out of its lair
then to his anxious monarch hurried fast
and putting on what he thought was a candid air
told the old king that the deed was done at last
but Arthur wasn't fooled by any means
he said - go and tell that to the marines
SirOracle .
SirOracle this conduct won't enhance
your reputation as a man of honour
if you had dared to lead me such a dance
and week ago, by now you'd be a goner
look here - i'll give you one more chance
and if you don't do it this time I swear on our
- er that table thingy that happened to be round
i'll get so cross i'll smash you to the ground
SirOracle .
So SirOracle got Excalibur and with a mighty sweep
chucked it into the water as he had been bade
which is careless english but I'm bored
but not so much as you are - anyway, an arm
came out of the water in samite clad
what the fuck is samite? oh never mind
and grabbed the sword and drew it to the deep
and everything was still. SirOracle said "Fuck me
I never anticipated that was what I'd see"
SirOracle .
what follows after this - even thought my trade is
romantic verse - is quite beyond my lay
a speedboat came along with a bunch of ladies
singing and carrying on - they took the king away
it bores the arse off me. they took him to Hades
or someplace else. Let it suffice to say
that in the final act our old friend Mallory
was obviously playing to the gallery.
<